when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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