I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
