Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
