Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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