u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
