I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i drank out of a bidet.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
