do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
