you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
