Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
