my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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