he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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