Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
