Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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