IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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