Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
