I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
