I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
