she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
