Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize