The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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