why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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