It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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