i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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