I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
where are my eyebrows?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
