why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize