Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
