I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You're like the curious george of whores
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
