I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
