I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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