If i could tip my vagina, i would.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
