I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
