Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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