Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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