You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
