wanna go halves on a baby?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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