At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
