So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
