Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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