The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
