Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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