I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
