Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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