I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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