Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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