So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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