Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
