checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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