i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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