i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Life is so much better after having sex.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
