If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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