After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
