you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
