How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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