Your face is a jimmy john
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
