i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
