I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
