tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
